Archive for March, 2010

Can we please just butt out….

March 31, 2010

You know, Ive made my rant about Tiger Woods a while back about his infidelity and my thoughts on it but now Im so over this trend.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James…I get it. They cheated. They are idiots. Get over it.

I think people forget that its really none of our business. I mean dont get me wrong, Im all for the “Ooooh Tiger Woods cheated on his wife” or the “Aww how can Jesse James do that to Sandra Bullock”. I hear ya, my ears prick up when the gossip hits the air waves but there is a limit here people. You hear about it, then move on. Its one thing to know the issue its another to have to know every detail.

I feel so bad for Sandra Bullock right now. Shes got a lot to deal with. The one thing I always thought was so awesome about her was that no matter what was going on she was pretty much a private person even when she made news like when Jesse James’ stalker woman came to the house, or the whole child custody thing, or when her mother passed away. Despite us knowing those things happened, she still was relatively private and I truly respected that.

Now its like the media is pushing her to talk. Everyone wants to hear about what she thinks.


Look once we learned about the infidelity, thats when it should have been done. Fine these mistresses are getting tons of press, so what. Focus on them all you want most normal people could give a toss! I know I dont care what those women think. Especially that little nazi loving freak Jesse was screwing (yeah what the hell, lady? Really?) Just let Sandra and Jesse deal with this on their own.

I always worry about the children in these scenarios. Tiger’s kids are relatively small babies or toddlers so it may not effect them as much but Jesse’s kid is of age. Passed 5 I believe and has to not only deal with a child custody battle between her dad and her druggie porn star mom but now has to hear about her dad having sex with a bunch of women. Like jeez, back off people!

Bottom line: Yes, Tiger and Jesse are cheaters, they arent the only ones in existence. Just get over it and move on. Let them deal with this matter that happens to be highly sensitive and private… privately.

As for the mistresses. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Just seriously. I dont care what your agendas are. Just shut the hell up.

Im still here dammit…

March 28, 2010

I promised myself that I wouldnt come here to bring drama or complain about my problems. I really wanted to be a positive as I could be on this blog. I feel that yes, its good to vent your problems but I dont want people to sit there, read this, and think “OMG shes so emo, get over it blah blah blah”. So I do sincerely avoid it as much as possible. Hence the reason I havent blogged in a really long time other than during the Oscars which was a few weeks ago.

So yes there is a lot going on. I wanna put it all in here but trust me if I wrote it all out you would think it was insane so therefore, lets just leave it at, Im really in a bad place. I do my best to not be in that bad place around others but it truly is so bad that its hard to hide it. I am in a negative zone but it doesnt mean Im not positive about getting out of it and pulling myself into a BETTER place. I have faith still and I know I will be there. Will I post everything thats going on with me and my mom right now? I dunno. Like I said I want to but to see it up in a blog, I hate reading it personally so I can only imagine what others would think. It doesnt help that lately Ive been judged more and more and the judgments have been hitting me hard. Off handed remarks that people make about me really jolt me. Im not saying they are wrong, in fact thats what really bums me out. Im aware of what my problems are and the judgments just validated it and Im really not in the zone to take those judgments and make it better for myself. I just take it and get very very depressed.

I have recently been given the dvd of The Secret. I wanna watch it but its been recommended to me that I should read the book first. Its not a big book so I could read it quickly but Ive been told many times that this book/dvd would help me.

I do intend on posting. When I dont know but no worries, I will get out of this. I promise.

John Hughes…..

March 8, 2010

The Late Great John Hughes

I’m watching the Oscars which is pretty cool so far and they did a dedication that was very touching to the legendary director, John Hughes.

Yes I think he’s legendary director. Its funny. When he passed away this year I was so gutted. I watched the tribute and it dawned on me I never wrote about it. Its worth a blog. Trust me.

When watching, stars from his films like Allie Sheedy, Molly Ringwald, Jon Cryer, Maculay Culkin, Anthony Michael Hall (omg I would so go for him, yeah I know not appropriate but so true) Mathew Broderick, and Judd Nelson would say something they loved about him and working with him. I didnt get to work with the man but watching this made me feel compelled to share my thoughts on him and his films.

I was only a kid in elementary school when his films came out. My mom still let me go see the movies. I think she knew I would relate to them. Even she knew I wasnt a normal kid and wouldnt be a normal teenager. The cool thing about that is I believe she was happy I wasnt. Being a kid, I wasnt sure. I mean, I knew myself that I wasnt someone who would be popular and yet even though I KINDA wanted it, I felt odd that I DIDNT feel bad that I wouldnt be. Like, why didnt I want to be popular? I mean again, it would have been nice and sure there were times when I felt bad that I wasnt “cool” but in general I was happy I didnt have to work so hard putting that stick up my ass on a daily basis just to fit in. I was just me and THATS what I wanted my popularity to be based on. I didnt want to pretend. I didnt feel it was fair that I needed to make that effort. So as much as possible I didnt.

However, just because thats how I felt. I still worried about getting older and dealing with High School not the fight to fit in but the fight to be myself. I think my mom could see that these movies were about that for some strange reason considering at this point her comprehension of english was good but not great.

She was right. John Hughes made films for ME and people like me. This was true because… he WAS me. He WAS the underdog, the one that WASNT the cool kid. He KNEW the struggle he knew what sucked about being the odd one in school yet knew what it was like to be that ONE person who despite not being cool REFUSED to change who they are. Most films that were about being a teenager always depicted the popular kids as being perfect and super cool and nothing ever being wrong with their life, their family and they were the nicest people. It was just so ideal or it was the opposite. The popular kid was insanely cruel and snotty and always wanted to fight the odd one. John Hughes showed the reality. That we are all just people. We all have our struggles. No one has a perfect life. We want something better but we all struggle.

Being a kid watching his films made me realize, “OMG Im gonna be ok. People like me EXIST in high school and are alright. Sure they suffer but so does everyone else and I wont have to pretend to be someone Im not”

He made us funny. He made us smart. He made us capable and he made us stars. WE were the stars because our stories were worth watching. It made me anticipate high school to see films like 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Ferris Buller’s Day Off, and my favorite Some Kind of Wonderful.

They were prophetic as well. No joke. I loved Some Kind of Wonderful but I never realized that I would be my favorite character, Watts. So many times in my life ESPECIALLY in high school I was the best friend of the guy that I had a crush on and never thought of as anything more. It sucks but it made me cherish every moment, even if its just the friendship. I watched the movie again whilst in high school and thought “Holy shit, it happened, Hughes was right, he was right about how it feels to be THAT person, how did he do that????”

He didnt even just do films about high school, he did Home Alone about being a kid that doesnt even feel popular in his own family yet feels devoted to them and his house. She’s Having a Baby was another favorite because it focused on the realities of being in a loving marriage and showed you that as much as you love your spouse its not gonna be easy. Its gonna be insane, mind numbing, full of arguments, full of laughter, full of scary incidents but the love is what keeps it going. It wasnt a romantic lovey dovey romp. It showed how fucking hard it was. It was real and I loved it. Again I was only like 12 or 13 but it still was a movie I loved.

Sure, there are probably better directors out there. Sure, there are probably better films. For me, this is what made me feel comforted for being who I am. To enjoy NOT fitting what the popular kids want you to be. A reminder that yeah its gonna be hard and youre gonna cry and youre gonna even contemplate just trying to fit in but dont forget who you are and be proud of it. Its ok to be you and you will be ok. Life isnt easy but it will be a wild ride. Or as Ferris Bueller said …..

“Life is too short, if you dont stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it”

Thank you John Hughes, you helped mold my way of thinking or at least validate it.

I think Im a pretty good effin friend.

March 5, 2010

Nobody is perfect. I would never claim to be. Nor would I expect anyone to be perfect. That being said, Im so exhausted.

Today was rough. I tried not to think it would be a rough day but I woke up and couldnt leave to therapy because I had no money for a metrocard. I had really wanted to go to therapy. Ive missed a session or two and I need to get stuff out.

The last time I had therapy was the first time my therapist didnt just let me talk but made an observation.

She told me” It seems like you have a lot of friendships that dont satisfy you. Almost like you tolerate them and put up with them despite the fact that they take advantage or walk all over you even though you dont want that. Like you accept these friendships and dont want to lose them because you dont think you deserve better friends.”

Now, I dont know how much of that is true. The fact of the matter is, I KNOW DAMN WELL I deserve to be respected. I deserve to have friends that dont take advantage of me or fucking shrug me off. I do deserve better than being treated that way.

That being said, I dont think all of my friends think of me that way.

Today though, it really hit me hard. Let me explain why….

So since the beginning of February, every Thursday night Jay and I have been booking shows at Beauty Bar in Brooklyn. We’ve been doing it for a month now and the owner is so cool hes let us stay there indefinitely. Its such a fun time. You get to perform, hear your friends perform, and if you are a performer you get free drinks. We book from 7pm till whenever the hell they close on Thursday nights. Its been a lot of fun. Oh! By the way, even though Jay and I are in the band, The JSE. These acoustic sets that have just been him and myself (sans bass and drummer) have been named. We are known as The LoveMuffins. Yup. I said it. Its awesome and funny.

There is one thing though. None of my friends have come out. Dont misunderstand. Jay and I have mutual friends and some of them have come out but people I personally invite for the most part havent showed up.

Beana I get, The Beans is a busy mommy so I get it. She wants to even go into managing and hopefully managing us. She is dying to come out so I know she wants to come and is planning on it.

In fact I get most issues. Its a Thursday night. Its in Brooklyn.

I get it I get it I mother fucking get it. You know what else I get? I also get that a lot of people that have told me “Oh Im so sorry but its this or that and I cant go and blah blah blah” are the same people who post pics and talk about going out to dinner and drinks with friends in Williamsburg or trekking out to the city when they live in Brooklyn. I see people with all these plans meanwhile I ask them to come out and “Oh the moon the stars the sky”.

Fine. Im bitching. Im being a whiny baby. Whatever. Ive tried to support my friends. The same people who invite me to things that I cant afford to go to. We perform at 7pm or at least try to just because I KNOW people need to go home early to get some sleep. (Btw, I see you fuckers on facebook at 1 in the morning remember I got insomnia bitches). Its a free show, no one needs to pay to go. Its right across the street from the train. Hell its right UNDERNEATH the train so its not like Im asking anyone to trek far in God knows where. I even know people who live or work a few blocks away and yet nothing.

Look, I dont think Im asking for too much. Im not asking for people to come to every show. When you are an artist trying to get a show, you need to draw a crowd. Thats how it goes. I depend on my friends to be there at least once in a while. Ive performed over 5 times now, even when I was sick and while people Jay know and friends of OURS show up. Friends of MINE havent been there. I dont think anyone really understands how heartbreaking that it. It makes me realize that I dont have as many friends as I genuinely thought I did. Im not drawing a crowd because I dont have a crowd to draw.

So, Im done. Youre still gonna get invites from me whether you plan on coming or not. Thats how I try to get a draw. This is work for me and respect it. If you dont want to come, then dont do what my newest pet peeve is and rsvp that you are coming and not show. I dont need you to fucking humor me. I need honest decisions. Rsvp maybe instead. I mean there is a reason thats an option.

Some of you may even be like “Omg eww she knows I cant go because of this or that why is she mad at me? blah blah blah”

Look, some of you I know have genuine reasons why you cant come out. However many of you dont. Out of everyone that gave me excuses or didnt even care enough to tell me anything I can count the ones that were genuine or believable on my hand.

297 Friends on Facebook and I had no draw. Tell me thats not fucked up. I mother fucking dare you.

How many times can i say fuck in this blog? LOL
This isnt an oh woe is me blog. This is a fuck you mother fuckers in the fucking fuck blog!