Better days

This isnt the space I went to but I can imagine the possibilities!

So after my last post a lot has gone through my head. I won’t lie despite feeling driven and determined and positive of my capabilities and future success. When people say such negative things, even if you know its not true, your self esteem is still shaken…. and not stirred haha. Bad line I know but its actually true. I am really still shaken up and bruised but it hasnt stopped me nor has it made me feel like I cant accomplish anything.

Since Friday I have been really self conscious. It doesnt last long at all for the most part, I do get over it but it still pops up in my head. I was at work on Saturday and I felt like all eyes were on me. I would walk down the street and feel like people were checking me out… all in a bad way. Like I was being judged and looked down upon. I went to an awesome Art collective deal in Bushwick. All types of performance art. The False Alarms were going to play. It was a great idea. No air conditioning though and I was exhausted from work. I tried to stay but the lack of certainty of when they would play, the heat, the chaotic nature of it all (I know I dont get why it seemed “chaotic” but I was very disoriented by so many things going on there) made me feel the need to just go home. The sealer of that deal in all honesty was as more people showed up more “pretty girls” showed up. I just became more and more uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I do regret leaving though. I missed my friends play and I blame myself for that. I know its only one show but still I wish I had the power to stay.

Despite this, there are good things in my head. I swear! LOL.

This art project thing that I went to. Really was inspiring. I was jealous but in a good way. I guess thats the definition of ENVY not JEALOUSY. Jealousy includes anger and resentment. I wasnt any of that. Envy includes jealousy but instead of anger and resentment its pride respect and joy. Youre happy the person is doing whatever it is that they are doing but wish it was happening for you too. So yes, after that definition, yes I was envious and not jealous. Anyways moving on….

Like I said I was inspired. Basically there were actors who performed live improv, mimes and dancers doing performance art, art on the walls and exhibits, and bands performing. Along with this there was a skateboard ramp in the space, and a dog and cat roaming the warehouse. The whole space used to be a knitting factory and many of the artists there live within this space. To live in a space and have it as a performance space? Fabulous!

I wish I had that. However I dont think I would want a roomate. I’m selfish. To me, where I live is MY space. I don’t want to share. I want a haven to go to where I dont have to worry about boundaries and just be myself. I feel like having to live with boundaries and respect other people’s space is a very important thing but if you live alone its one less worry. I already live with my mother, I dont need to have more people living with me. I could tolerate living with my mom even more though because the space would be bigger.

The art festival itself was a great and brilliant concept. There were galleries and exhibits of art everywhere, performance artists, bands of course, and an improv group that did awkward or uncomfortable conversations and were filming it. The only issue I had was the organization of it. Making sure things were there for bands like PA’s and Drum kits, having exact time slots to follow, having it organized properly. That type of thing. It seemed like it was just being spontaneously done which I suppose is a very existential and carefree way of handling things but I dunno it just made me want to do this myself!

I could have a space that would be more smooth and open, uhh have a.c’s in the building or at least fans. I would be much more detailed when it came to time slots and organization. I would have a host. I believe its a great way to make money and get artists expressions of their creativity out there. I am capable.

The space is so easy to multi task in. I would have bands rent out the space to rehearse during the day and evening during the week, record, etc. I would have filmakers use the space to make videos, rehearsals for acting, dancing, you name it. Then on weekends I could use it as a space for talent to come and show off their work. It would be awesome.

I really am determined to get this done. I think its what needs to be done. I say that a lot but as time goes on and as the experiences in my life add up, the determination and the willpower is actually growing. I dont know if anyone even knows what that feels like. I dont have sex but I can only imagine it feels this good.

Is the Blog Dead? Am I Wasting My Time? No! I say! No!

I was sent this link: http://www.wired.com/entertainment/theweb/magazine/16-11/st_essay

This link (in case you dont feel like reading it) basically says if you are someone who wants to be a successful blogger to give up! Forget about it! Stop wasting your time! No one will read it!

I’ve been trying to get people to read my blog a lot the past few days I really want people to read it. I do want it to be successful. I want to have a huge following. I really think that having people who keep tabs on what I say and whats going on will be prepared when I have a cd out, or my webshow, or if I have a gig in the area and I want people to come out, if they happen to be in the area, I would love for them to come on by. The more publicity the better. I also really enjoy meeting new people.

So yeah I want to have a lot of people read this, but if it doesnt happen, is it worth it for me to stop blogging? Hell to the fucking no!

First and foremost I have always loved to write. Its what I enjoy doing. I tend to babble and as many of you have seen I can babble in my writing too. I do my best to edit but blogging is a release for me. I thoroughly enjoy it. Whether no one or a whole mess of people read it, I will STILL write. I enjoy it too much to stop. I would have posted like 5 blogs last night if I didnt restrain myself.

The link says that there are so many bloggers who are either famous or have degrees in journalism that regular people arent getting their voices heard. Really? I havent really thought that when people look for blogs that they say “gee i dont want someone I can relate to let me find some obscure journalist to read”. Im sure it happens but I know quite a few people who enjoy reading what people have in their head. Its fun.

I know if I were famous people would read it more but I would rather be the artist who had a blog before her fame than be the artist who felt obligated to write a journal to get their fans to feel some sort of bond with them. They would feel more of a bond if they go to this artists blog and see there are in fact archives of blogs that they posted before they were well known. It would be more real. I AM real.

And if cred is really what you seek I was an acting major at Suffolk Community College and when I transfered to Hunter for like a semester I changed my major to Media Arts: Journalism so I DO have a few weeks of journalism classes in my head if it makes you feel better.

Blogging is my way of expression. If no one wants to read it hey, its all good. I know my friends will if they want and thats all that matters. I feel better doing this. It helps the wheels in my head turn and be creative in other ways like music and of course writing. I have a lot going on in my life and I need to put it somewhere.

So no. The blog may be dying, but it will never die cuz Im not the only one who thinks like I do.