Posts Tagged ‘hatred’

I’m gonna sound off

September 24, 2010


Ok so as of late I have had a lot of pretty cool things happen. I got a new desk that wont collapse on top of me, (woohoo!!) Annnnnnd…

I am typing this blog from my new iMac!!! Thats right folks! One of my major goals and dreams have happened. I can say that this year was my year. Sure not everything I wanted to happen, happened but I got some things accomplished and thats good enough for me. Besides, the year isnt over yet!

So, despite such great things, lately I have been just watching my facebook. I see friends and acquaintances post their status updates and I just shake my head. Not all of my friends but many people I know on facebook have just been very vocal about their opinions concerning politics, religion, race, etc. Dont get me wrong, its great to be vocal and here I am doing the same thing so I dont judge on that its just… I dunno, its all been so negative. Everyone is complaining about EVERYTHING.

Now I’m not blind. A lot of stuff has been happening lately that is worthy of many a complaint however, so many of these friends of mine have just blatantly stopped talking about themselves and just focus on what is pissing them off. I mean I do it too but I make sure I update about myself. I mean thats the purpose of facebook. To see how people are doing. How are YOU doing? Whats going on with YOU? I already know about the mosque, and the politics, and current events, I hear you but where the hell are YOU?

So just to get it out of the way, here’s my view on everything going on lately and yeah, Im highly aware many of my friends will be angry and Im sorry but fuck you, I dont agree with you and to be very honest it saddens me how many people I know are truly blinded by upbringing and brainwashing. Open your fucking eyes and do some fucking research before saying shit. You have no idea how stupid you sound some of you, seriously. I’m not a rocket scientist, in fact I am well aware that many of my friends think Im flakey and a bit naive but Im not a dumbass…. I am just taking the time out here on my blog to vent my own opinion on everything because I refuse to dwell on drama and have it especially attacked on facebook. These are just MY opinions and I rather post it here instead of getting backlash on facebook so… moving on.

1.) The mosque. Shut it. Just stop bitching about it. I’m done. I dont want to fucking hear anymore bullshit in regards to it. Their was a mosque within the area PRIOR to 9/11, and they are not building the mosque ON the site, its within a few blocks. Dont give me the “its an insult or its too soon” bullshit because you know what, muslims were killed at 9/11 too if they want to put up a mosque in downtown manhattan, let them. Get over it. There is a lot of fucked up shit going on in this country that we have no choice to put up with, that a community center that promotes awareness and religious tolerance is the LAST thing anyone should be bitching about. Have you seen yourselves on tv making asses out of yourselves, showing the world exactly how INtolerant you are? You’re making us look bad, we already have a lot to be embarrassed about dont add to it.

2) Stop bitching about what a rotten job Obama is doing. Im not saying that cuz I still support the guy, I’m saying it because I got news for all of you: no matter who is in charge, you are not going to be happy. They all suck. Why? Because this country is under the misconception that the President has all the power. That is a lie. He appoints a cabinet to tell him what to do. Then he either agrees or disagrees. We all bitched about Bush, and yeah he sucked. Why? Because he couldnt even pretend that he knew wtf he was doing. Obama at least admits that he is a human being that is TRYING to do the best he can. Is he? Probably not, hes screwed up a lot but a lot of the stuff he has to deal with is stuff that Bush left for him to clean up. I know you guys who love Bush hate when people say that but babies, the bottom line, republicans and democrats BOTH fuck it up. What works? Who knows? We are all human expecting someone of a higher authority to save us from our problems meanwhile they live in it too. No one is going to fix all the worlds problems. Btw I love that they blame Obama for the oil spill. Really people? I had no idea as prerequisite for the job as President you need to know how to build oil rigs and figure out how to stop them should they have a spill. Look he isnt trying to fix things fast enough but he didnt CAUSE it. If you are going to blame anyone blame BP and then the government, and then those who depend on that oil, and then ourselves for not being more aware and willing to use alternative fuel techniques. Stop blaming and just figure out how we can fix things!

3) Read a fucking book!….. dont mean fiction although thats fine, but I mean read history books, books on true crime, books about countries and wars, and art and cultures. I just think if people read more instead of listen to the bullshit news that comes out the television then maybe people would be more rational about why things happen.

4) Genocide is real. Why am I saying that? Because I actually had an argument with someone who tried to tell me that the Armenian Genocide never happened. Look, when more than hundreds of people die and their culture is scarred for life with the memory of family members that suffered and died and their government either did nothing or were the cause, its a fucking genocide. Its not just a “tragedy”, it hurts people today, and to sit their and deny such a horrible thing is like saying “yeah i dont think your people suffered” and thats fucked up.

5) Stop fucking telling me to remember 9/11. How the hell do you expect me to forget? It is the most insulting thing to tell me because you actually think that it meant nothing to anyone except you and you know its not true. I am so tired of these public memorials. I know that sounds horrible but seriously how are the victims and families of them supposed to move on and overcome their sadness? Its bad enough that they are left with financial difficulties, raising children on their own, or whatever other obstacle that comes their way. They don’t need people telling them “Remember 9/11” If you forgot, you have senility, dementia, alzheimers, or brain damage. Even if you DONT remember that day, Im sure you have been informed enough to have an idea.

6) Leave Lady Gaga alone!!! LOL. Seriously. I dont care if you dont like her. I dont like half the shit you people listen to but I respect you enough to not talk too much shit. Yeah she brought former military personnel to the VMAs as a representation of those who were kicked out of the military due to don’t ask don’t tell. So what? Why does her opinion on the situation piss you off so much? Why the fuck do you care? Yeah of course its shameless, shes a mother fucking celebrity!! The gay community is her biggest following. I find it honorable and fucking awesome when a celeb respects the fans that got them where they are. Those former military personnel weren’t bound and dragged there. They went willingly. Just cuz you dont agree doesnt make Gaga someone that deserves to be shit on. Get over it.

7) Ok this is a biggie cuz I know many friends on facebook who are in the military. Let me say this, I applaud you. I respect you. I can never even attempt to assume to know the dramatic and traumatic events you went through. I will never pretend to know what you all go through, what your job entails, and everything that goes with it. Your job is great, your job is a job I would never be able to do. I am a pussy. I am a hands down, pussy. I bow to you all in reverence for what you do for this country. That being said, I really truly HATE violence. I get it, its part of your job. It doesn’t mean I have to like it. I have certain friends AND family members who have posted pics of themselves with their troop all giving the “rock on” horn sign with their fingers while they have their guns to the heads of muslims that are blindfolded. I dont fucking care if they are terrorists, or the devil incarnate. Its not something to be proud of. Im so sorry! You dont see cops arresting a serial killer with a shit eating grin do ya? There is nothing happy about getting someone who has done wrong. If I was in a room with someone who killed people I cared about, innocent victims, I wouldnt be smiling. I would be crying. I would be angry. I would have done the right thing and that requires no fun times. I shouldnt have to see you having fun doing a very serious and tragic job. Also, you can sit there and say its not right if someone in the military is sentenced to the crime of abuse of a muslim inmate or whatever. Its not about the abuse. You are in the military. The job that is known primarily for following orders, and doing everything by protocol. To abuse an inmate, whether they deserve it or not. Is wrong, plain and simple. I dont care if you think the crime isnt as bad as what terrorists do. It doesnt fucking matter. Its the law and its broken. Thats how we are taught and that is what is being punished. I would bust my ass to make sure that people saw me as the model military person. I would want to be the savior. I wouldnt want to do something to tarnish that view. How do you expect other nations to see us as a positive influence on any country if you insist on applauding the violence that I understand very well is necessary but still painful for others to see. We are not Neanderthals anymore. This isn’t Sparta. I know I am no authority but again, I have the right to my own opinion however ill informed you may assume it is. Its still mine. However I will never… stop supporting my troops. I think of you all everyday and always hope that you are all safe and to keep doing the job that a good military person is supposed to do. In my eyes, you all deserve purple hearts just for joining.

8) Ok, from the military to the other gamut. Vegans. LOL. Shut the fuck up. I am not talking about vegetarians or NICE vegans. I am talking about REAL vegans. I got something to say to you people. Leave me the fuck alone and get off your high fiber horse! You know I respect you for going the route of not eating meat or dairy. I get there are many things you refuse to eat and thats fine. However why must you INSIST on making me feel bad for NOT being a vegan? Why must you HATE on anyone who ISNT a vegan? I’ve been at parties where there were vegans and they actually would look at everyone and make the smelling onions face. (You know that face, where the upper lip is curled to the side and the rest of the mouth is in a grimace? … Got the visual?…. Ok good) Just judging everyone for eating things that they wouldnt. Trying to tell me to not eat turkey on Thanksgiving. (Yeah I’m talking to you, Fiona Apple!). Oh and stopping a concert early because you smell a bbq in the distance and therefore smell meat cooking and then announce to the audience “I hope to God it’s human” (Yeah, I’m talking to you too Morrissey!!!). Really? You would stop a concert jerkoff knowing people paid good money to see you because other people are living normal lives in the distance and doing something you just dont approve of? I love your music Morrissey but you truly are a dick. Vegans you also lead me to those who may not even be vegan but just live the lifestyles of organic food only, stop buying corporate, uh… wearing reusable tampons, the diva cup, not shaving, anti vanity. Look. The bottom line is this: If you live a life where you do these things, more power to you. I applaud you living your life the way YOU want to. So therefore, dont persecute me for not living it like YOU. I like to shave, I dont even wear regular tampons, Im stick to maxi pads thank you very much! I love pernil and any meat that exists, I fucking ate alligator this past weekend and it was heavenly! I also dig shopping at whole foods and costco so sue me!

9)Ok another touchy subject. I have many friends who are parents. God bless ya! I’m too selfish to be one. Its too much work and I want to do things for me not a kid. Sorry. But I love looking at pictures of your children, Im sure they are lovely and when I can I try to comment. No issue with pics of kids in general. HOWEVER, if you are a parent who puts your child’s picture as your OWN for YOUR profile pic AAAAAAAANNNND that is ALL you have for pics of you… for shame. Look every once in a blue moon making a pic of your child as your profile pic, i get it. You love your kid. Its your flesh and blood therefore its a part of YOU. So yeah seeing a pic of your kid as your profile pic once in a while is awesome. However, I did NOT add your CHILD as a friend on facebook, I chose YOU. I mean, do you realize that strangers can see your child’s pic when they do searches even if you make your profile private? Why would you do that? Its a risk I would never take with my child. Plus I have issues with allowing any child under the age of 16 on facebook. These days with cyber bullying and what not its just not the safest thing in the world. Yes put up an album DEVOTED to your children so your friends and family can see them but its not you. Its kinda creepy. You are you, so BE you and put up a pic of yourself… this leads me to….

10) Seriously, why get a facebook if you refuse to post a pic of yourself or talk to people on it. Do you think youre ugly? Are you really that self conscious? If you are then you need to see a therapist. Its not hard. Friends can tag pics THEY put up of you and you can make it your profile pic. If I havent seen you in forever, I wanna know what you look like now. I cant hug you via the internet and see you. Cut me some slack! I got my pic up the least you can do is put yours up. If your excuse is you dont know how, you have friends dammit OR you have kids. FOUR year olds can post pics up for crying out loud let one of THEM do it. If you cant make that effort I dont understand why you bother having a facebook, social networking sites are NOT important. If your life is THAT hectic that you cant take 5 minutes to post a pic then you dont need to be on facebook.

So… I know this is just me being judgmental and overly opinionated but… thats the whole point. THIS is what I have been seeing on facebook for MONTHS now. Would you want to see this every time you logged into facebook?

Friends, please, take a rest. Talk about yourself every once in a while. Think about things that are positive. Try posting something good not just for the reader but for yourself. There has to be something to update on your status thats positive even if its something simple like “I got up today and am breathing” it will make me smile. It will make your friends smile too cuz that means you are still you and you exist.

I hope my opinions dont insult too many people. Its not my intention to hurt anyone. It was just my intention of venting my own frustrations so you wouldnt have to deal with it on a regular basis on dear old Facebook!

That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger….

June 4, 2010

The Drama of Drama

Today I had a great and worst moment. It was one in the same. I dont ever truly wish anyone to go through what I did however I wont lie when I say that what I was subjected to today is something that builds character and if you do have to experience what I did this morning and you can overcome it, then you have garnered my utmost respect. You are a compadre!

I had an audition today. I kept it to myself because I notice whenever I have them and I get psyched up and tell people “OMG it went really well” or “I have an audition and its so exciting” people will later on ask me if I had heard anything and I have to tell them no. Its really just how the business goes. You are normally led to believe that there is a possibility of success and most of the time you are let down. You arent even let down the right way all the time, you are just led on. They never call you back they never let you know that they changed their mind, they just disappear. It sucks but hey, thats how it goes. So instead of having people worry about it, I figured for once. I just wouldn’t mention this. I didn’t mention it to Jay. I didn’t even mention it to my MOM. I just thought I would go and see what happens. Well, get ready to hear some fucked up shit… to put it mildly.

The audition was being held for an off broadway musical. Yeah, this is the other reason I was keeping it quiet. I hate doing live theater. Its tedious, scary, and then boring cuz you have to do the same thing over and over and over again for MONTHS. Not to mention the fact that the acting in live theater with all due respect to my friends who do it, is lame. Its over the top and over expressive. I get why, dont get me wrong, Im not saying that it shouldnt be that way. On the contrary it HAS to be, there are no close up screenshots when doing a live show, you have to make sure the guy in the nosebleed seats can tell you are confused or sad or angry or whatever the hell expression you make on your face so you have no choice BUT to over exagerrate your facial expressions and words.

That being said, I need money and I can do live theater. Just cuz I dont like it, doesnt mean I cant do it. I get to sing, I get to act. Both things that I love. The musical is supposed to be about a group of women who are trying to make it in the business in the 1930s and 1940s. Its supposed to be focused on the living arrangements and all the women who live in the building. Not bad. I can pull it off.

They said bring one song with you preferably a DISNEY song. (wtf right ?!?!) I did. I decided to do “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes” . Its from Cinderella people. Its a beautiful song and my mom would sing it to me when I was a baby…. she made up the words though she couldnt speak english well then, but either way it was a great song haha.

Look when doing an audition you have to do something that you know not many people will do. It doesnt have to be EXTREMELY unique but if you know in your heart that most of those women are gonna sing either A Whole New World or Circle of Life or some song from The Little Mermaid, go for something different. They will appreciate that entirely. Casting for shows is boring after a while. You end up forgetting who sang the better version of the song after a while. The song I picked is relevant to the era of the musical (or at least closer to it) and Disney. Boom! Got it! I will say right now, that is the ONLY thing that they approved of from me!

So a bunch of girls go in. I got there at 8 because they told me to be there by 9 and I know how cattle call auditions are. They take forever. I got my number and waiting. Yes, most of the girls were thin, beautiful, and dancers. There were a few of us though that werent thin, one girl was bigger than me. Some girls were thin but not attractive. So yeah I was nervous but I wasnt TOO nervous. Most girls go in and they all come out smiles. Some came out smiling even if they didnt get it. They were just happy to have the opportunity to audition for this “prominent casting director” which I never heard of. And of course, we heard a bunch of girls sing A Whole New World from Alladin and Part of Your World from Little Mermaid. By 930, one girl did come out crying but honestly she sang HACUNA MATATA! What the hell? She sang like 2 lines, we heard laughter and she stormed out. She was kinda off though I wont lie. She was talking to herself before and people kept on moving away from her cuz she smelled funny. Yeah it happens.

So I go in by 10. Im out by 10:10 or 10:15. Here’s why:

I go in, I hear “Oh boy. Ok uhhh,..pshhh fine. uhh state your name,, wait (to the person next to her) what time is it? .. oh I guess then, yeah state your name and age and the song please….”

Yeah already it sounds like she doesnt even want to deal with me but I pretend like everything is Hunky Dory.

“Natalia McCarty 34 years old A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Make from Cinderella”

The woman at the piano starts playing I looked at her before and she seems so happy but I think it was just relief cuz no one sang it. So I sing it. In its entirety. Its not a long song at all. It took less than 2 minutes.

I was done, and the piano lady clapped. The guy next to the casting director clapped and I saw a smile. Nothing from the casting director. Then she proceeds to go off on me.

“I have to admit I dont know why I bothered, I didnt want you in this show the moment you walked in the room. I wont lie though you got a great voice and thank you for not doing a crap song its unfortunate that you look the way you do. How old are you?”


“did you just start getting into the business?”


“You mean to tell me that youve been doing this for a while, and I can only assume you dont get work and yet you still havent gotten the clue that you are too damn ATROCIOUS for this business??? Have you looked in the mirror honey? You are sickening and what gets me is that you are TRYING to be beautiful! I hate fat women who try to be beautiful when you are unhealthy pigs!”

I wish I was joking. I couldnt believe that not only was this coming from a casting director but from a WOMAN. Look, I got no problem with people having issues with plus sized women but to be so abusive was too much. I couldnt just let the bitch go on like that. I looked down at the piano lady and she was shocked. Her counterpart though was giggling. He apparently thought it was perfectly ok to say those things. I had to say something. I tried to be professional though.

“Im sorry you feel that way however there is no need for you to be verbally abusive, you are aware that what you just said to me was down right insulting, you could have simply said you dont want a plus sized woman in the show. There are women bigger than me who act. Its a shame that Im not in a union otherwise Im sure this is reportable” and I proceeded to walk out but of course she tried to sugar coat it because she really was bottom line racist againt plus sized people, I mean, unhealthy pig, really?

“look I apologize if I went over the line but honest to God you big women have to realize that no one wants to see that on the big screen, Im so tired of seeing plus sized women trying to be normal. Im aware a lot of people are big but just because thats true it doesnt mean it SHOULD be normal. I had a rough day, I just realized I crossed the line and I am truly sorry but no, this isnt ok and I dont want it Im sorry. Lose some weight and get back into the business then. Not now, I am not surprised you are looking for work, according to your resume you have done nothing of importance and this is clearly why”

All I could muster up without crying and breaking down was “I feel so sorry for you. You are a sad sad woman.” and I walked out. As I walked out she proceeded to tell her assistant to go out there and see if there are any other big women and tell them to go home. When I turned the corner and looked back, the other plus sized women were leaving as well. I was crying at this point and they all came up to me and asked me what happened. I proceeded to tell them and ONE of the women is in fact AFTRA. I got her info and she told me to write out everything that happened because even though Im not in the union she is and she can tell the union what the casting director said and did. Its all hearsay but they are allowed to keep record. At least if it happens again she will get a notice or something. It may not amount to anything but I feel better having done at least that.

I cried the train ride home. This casting director who is a woman, blatantly expressed hatred against plus sized women. She basically said she didnt think I should be acting. Even though she admitted I was talented. I probably even had the best audition. I didnt get to act though. She wouldnt give me the opportunity but I know I would have killed it! I just couldnt believe this woman had the power to say what she said and believed she had the power to get rid of me from the business. What always kills me is that believe it or not the most hurtful when it comes to appearance is almost always WOMEN. I dont get it. We as women all know the trials and tribulations of appearance and following the trends that are supposed to be deemed as beautiful and attractive. We know how hard it is yet we are still capable of just ripping each other to shreds verbally and making us feel horrible about ourselves. Its just ridiculous and sad.

I know a lot of people who if they had experienced what I experienced would quit. Not me. If anything this drives me to prove this sorry ass bitch WRONG because she IS wrong. Even without me, its so clear how wrong she is! There are tons of plus sized women in the business who have success and we ARE beautiful and deserve to be shown as such.

You dont understand. This woman was a shadow in the dark but her shadow was this frail, bony, clearly wrinkly (when she moved her arm, even though it was bony, skin was flapping), who also had a big nose and greyish hair. See, she may be classified as “ugly” I honestly just saw those features so Im not sure but still, I wouldnt go and insult and tell her everything about her is just wrong. I just dont get how you can look like that which is clearly not what the media likes either and still go off on me. This just made it more evident to me that she was NO ONE to judge me.

I cried because I was insulted. I wasnt broken though. I am determined to make sure this woman sees how wrong she is. I dont care if she still thinks the way she does, she is the one that has to live with herself not me. I will more than likely never see her again. I never knew her name, I never heard of her before therefore who the fuck is she. What I do know is that I am talented, I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I will get what I want. Fuck her and fuck anyone in the business who thinks like her.

Dont let people like her ever ruin your dream. If you want it bad enough and work to get it you will. If they wont hire you, hire yourself! Be the person that makes the business. Its time that big women were also casting directors, directors, producers, who would hire anyone regardless of their looks.

If anyone of my friends ever feels as battered as I did today yet still confident they will win, then you will!