Posts Tagged ‘talent’

Better days

June 8, 2010

This isnt the space I went to but I can imagine the possibilities!

So after my last post a lot has gone through my head. I won’t lie despite feeling driven and determined and positive of my capabilities and future success. When people say such negative things, even if you know its not true, your self esteem is still shaken…. and not stirred haha. Bad line I know but its actually true. I am really still shaken up and bruised but it hasnt stopped me nor has it made me feel like I cant accomplish anything.

Since Friday I have been really self conscious. It doesnt last long at all for the most part, I do get over it but it still pops up in my head. I was at work on Saturday and I felt like all eyes were on me. I would walk down the street and feel like people were checking me out… all in a bad way. Like I was being judged and looked down upon. I went to an awesome Art collective deal in Bushwick. All types of performance art. The False Alarms were going to play. It was a great idea. No air conditioning though and I was exhausted from work. I tried to stay but the lack of certainty of when they would play, the heat, the chaotic nature of it all (I know I dont get why it seemed “chaotic” but I was very disoriented by so many things going on there) made me feel the need to just go home. The sealer of that deal in all honesty was as more people showed up more “pretty girls” showed up. I just became more and more uncomfortable both physically and mentally. I do regret leaving though. I missed my friends play and I blame myself for that. I know its only one show but still I wish I had the power to stay.

Despite this, there are good things in my head. I swear! LOL.

This art project thing that I went to. Really was inspiring. I was jealous but in a good way. I guess thats the definition of ENVY not JEALOUSY. Jealousy includes anger and resentment. I wasnt any of that. Envy includes jealousy but instead of anger and resentment its pride respect and joy. Youre happy the person is doing whatever it is that they are doing but wish it was happening for you too. So yes, after that definition, yes I was envious and not jealous. Anyways moving on….

Like I said I was inspired. Basically there were actors who performed live improv, mimes and dancers doing performance art, art on the walls and exhibits, and bands performing. Along with this there was a skateboard ramp in the space, and a dog and cat roaming the warehouse. The whole space used to be a knitting factory and many of the artists there live within this space. To live in a space and have it as a performance space? Fabulous!

I wish I had that. However I dont think I would want a roomate. I’m selfish. To me, where I live is MY space. I don’t want to share. I want a haven to go to where I dont have to worry about boundaries and just be myself. I feel like having to live with boundaries and respect other people’s space is a very important thing but if you live alone its one less worry. I already live with my mother, I dont need to have more people living with me. I could tolerate living with my mom even more though because the space would be bigger.

The art festival itself was a great and brilliant concept. There were galleries and exhibits of art everywhere, performance artists, bands of course, and an improv group that did awkward or uncomfortable conversations and were filming it. The only issue I had was the organization of it. Making sure things were there for bands like PA’s and Drum kits, having exact time slots to follow, having it organized properly. That type of thing. It seemed like it was just being spontaneously done which I suppose is a very existential and carefree way of handling things but I dunno it just made me want to do this myself!

I could have a space that would be more smooth and open, uhh have a.c’s in the building or at least fans. I would be much more detailed when it came to time slots and organization. I would have a host. I believe its a great way to make money and get artists expressions of their creativity out there. I am capable.

The space is so easy to multi task in. I would have bands rent out the space to rehearse during the day and evening during the week, record, etc. I would have filmakers use the space to make videos, rehearsals for acting, dancing, you name it. Then on weekends I could use it as a space for talent to come and show off their work. It would be awesome.

I really am determined to get this done. I think its what needs to be done. I say that a lot but as time goes on and as the experiences in my life add up, the determination and the willpower is actually growing. I dont know if anyone even knows what that feels like. I dont have sex but I can only imagine it feels this good.

That which does not destroy us, makes us stronger….

June 4, 2010

The Drama of Drama

Today I had a great and worst moment. It was one in the same. I dont ever truly wish anyone to go through what I did however I wont lie when I say that what I was subjected to today is something that builds character and if you do have to experience what I did this morning and you can overcome it, then you have garnered my utmost respect. You are a compadre!

I had an audition today. I kept it to myself because I notice whenever I have them and I get psyched up and tell people “OMG it went really well” or “I have an audition and its so exciting” people will later on ask me if I had heard anything and I have to tell them no. Its really just how the business goes. You are normally led to believe that there is a possibility of success and most of the time you are let down. You arent even let down the right way all the time, you are just led on. They never call you back they never let you know that they changed their mind, they just disappear. It sucks but hey, thats how it goes. So instead of having people worry about it, I figured for once. I just wouldn’t mention this. I didn’t mention it to Jay. I didn’t even mention it to my MOM. I just thought I would go and see what happens. Well, get ready to hear some fucked up shit… to put it mildly.

The audition was being held for an off broadway musical. Yeah, this is the other reason I was keeping it quiet. I hate doing live theater. Its tedious, scary, and then boring cuz you have to do the same thing over and over and over again for MONTHS. Not to mention the fact that the acting in live theater with all due respect to my friends who do it, is lame. Its over the top and over expressive. I get why, dont get me wrong, Im not saying that it shouldnt be that way. On the contrary it HAS to be, there are no close up screenshots when doing a live show, you have to make sure the guy in the nosebleed seats can tell you are confused or sad or angry or whatever the hell expression you make on your face so you have no choice BUT to over exagerrate your facial expressions and words.

That being said, I need money and I can do live theater. Just cuz I dont like it, doesnt mean I cant do it. I get to sing, I get to act. Both things that I love. The musical is supposed to be about a group of women who are trying to make it in the business in the 1930s and 1940s. Its supposed to be focused on the living arrangements and all the women who live in the building. Not bad. I can pull it off.

They said bring one song with you preferably a DISNEY song. (wtf right ?!?!) I did. I decided to do “A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes” . Its from Cinderella people. Its a beautiful song and my mom would sing it to me when I was a baby…. she made up the words though she couldnt speak english well then, but either way it was a great song haha.

Look when doing an audition you have to do something that you know not many people will do. It doesnt have to be EXTREMELY unique but if you know in your heart that most of those women are gonna sing either A Whole New World or Circle of Life or some song from The Little Mermaid, go for something different. They will appreciate that entirely. Casting for shows is boring after a while. You end up forgetting who sang the better version of the song after a while. The song I picked is relevant to the era of the musical (or at least closer to it) and Disney. Boom! Got it! I will say right now, that is the ONLY thing that they approved of from me!

So a bunch of girls go in. I got there at 8 because they told me to be there by 9 and I know how cattle call auditions are. They take forever. I got my number and waiting. Yes, most of the girls were thin, beautiful, and dancers. There were a few of us though that werent thin, one girl was bigger than me. Some girls were thin but not attractive. So yeah I was nervous but I wasnt TOO nervous. Most girls go in and they all come out smiles. Some came out smiling even if they didnt get it. They were just happy to have the opportunity to audition for this “prominent casting director” which I never heard of. And of course, we heard a bunch of girls sing A Whole New World from Alladin and Part of Your World from Little Mermaid. By 930, one girl did come out crying but honestly she sang HACUNA MATATA! What the hell? She sang like 2 lines, we heard laughter and she stormed out. She was kinda off though I wont lie. She was talking to herself before and people kept on moving away from her cuz she smelled funny. Yeah it happens.

So I go in by 10. Im out by 10:10 or 10:15. Here’s why:

I go in, I hear “Oh boy. Ok uhhh,..pshhh fine. uhh state your name,, wait (to the person next to her) what time is it? .. oh I guess then, yeah state your name and age and the song please….”

Yeah already it sounds like she doesnt even want to deal with me but I pretend like everything is Hunky Dory.

“Natalia McCarty 34 years old A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Make from Cinderella”

The woman at the piano starts playing I looked at her before and she seems so happy but I think it was just relief cuz no one sang it. So I sing it. In its entirety. Its not a long song at all. It took less than 2 minutes.

I was done, and the piano lady clapped. The guy next to the casting director clapped and I saw a smile. Nothing from the casting director. Then she proceeds to go off on me.

“I have to admit I dont know why I bothered, I didnt want you in this show the moment you walked in the room. I wont lie though you got a great voice and thank you for not doing a crap song its unfortunate that you look the way you do. How old are you?”

“……34”

“did you just start getting into the business?”

“…no”

“You mean to tell me that youve been doing this for a while, and I can only assume you dont get work and yet you still havent gotten the clue that you are too damn ATROCIOUS for this business??? Have you looked in the mirror honey? You are sickening and what gets me is that you are TRYING to be beautiful! I hate fat women who try to be beautiful when you are unhealthy pigs!”

I wish I was joking. I couldnt believe that not only was this coming from a casting director but from a WOMAN. Look, I got no problem with people having issues with plus sized women but to be so abusive was too much. I couldnt just let the bitch go on like that. I looked down at the piano lady and she was shocked. Her counterpart though was giggling. He apparently thought it was perfectly ok to say those things. I had to say something. I tried to be professional though.

“Im sorry you feel that way however there is no need for you to be verbally abusive, you are aware that what you just said to me was down right insulting, you could have simply said you dont want a plus sized woman in the show. There are women bigger than me who act. Its a shame that Im not in a union otherwise Im sure this is reportable” and I proceeded to walk out but of course she tried to sugar coat it because she really was bottom line racist againt plus sized people, I mean, unhealthy pig, really?

“look I apologize if I went over the line but honest to God you big women have to realize that no one wants to see that on the big screen, Im so tired of seeing plus sized women trying to be normal. Im aware a lot of people are big but just because thats true it doesnt mean it SHOULD be normal. I had a rough day, I just realized I crossed the line and I am truly sorry but no, this isnt ok and I dont want it Im sorry. Lose some weight and get back into the business then. Not now, I am not surprised you are looking for work, according to your resume you have done nothing of importance and this is clearly why”

All I could muster up without crying and breaking down was “I feel so sorry for you. You are a sad sad woman.” and I walked out. As I walked out she proceeded to tell her assistant to go out there and see if there are any other big women and tell them to go home. When I turned the corner and looked back, the other plus sized women were leaving as well. I was crying at this point and they all came up to me and asked me what happened. I proceeded to tell them and ONE of the women is in fact AFTRA. I got her info and she told me to write out everything that happened because even though Im not in the union she is and she can tell the union what the casting director said and did. Its all hearsay but they are allowed to keep record. At least if it happens again she will get a notice or something. It may not amount to anything but I feel better having done at least that.

I cried the train ride home. This casting director who is a woman, blatantly expressed hatred against plus sized women. She basically said she didnt think I should be acting. Even though she admitted I was talented. I probably even had the best audition. I didnt get to act though. She wouldnt give me the opportunity but I know I would have killed it! I just couldnt believe this woman had the power to say what she said and believed she had the power to get rid of me from the business. What always kills me is that believe it or not the most hurtful when it comes to appearance is almost always WOMEN. I dont get it. We as women all know the trials and tribulations of appearance and following the trends that are supposed to be deemed as beautiful and attractive. We know how hard it is yet we are still capable of just ripping each other to shreds verbally and making us feel horrible about ourselves. Its just ridiculous and sad.

I know a lot of people who if they had experienced what I experienced would quit. Not me. If anything this drives me to prove this sorry ass bitch WRONG because she IS wrong. Even without me, its so clear how wrong she is! There are tons of plus sized women in the business who have success and we ARE beautiful and deserve to be shown as such.

You dont understand. This woman was a shadow in the dark but her shadow was this frail, bony, clearly wrinkly (when she moved her arm, even though it was bony, skin was flapping), who also had a big nose and greyish hair. See, she may be classified as “ugly” I honestly just saw those features so Im not sure but still, I wouldnt go and insult and tell her everything about her is just wrong. I just dont get how you can look like that which is clearly not what the media likes either and still go off on me. This just made it more evident to me that she was NO ONE to judge me.

I cried because I was insulted. I wasnt broken though. I am determined to make sure this woman sees how wrong she is. I dont care if she still thinks the way she does, she is the one that has to live with herself not me. I will more than likely never see her again. I never knew her name, I never heard of her before therefore who the fuck is she. What I do know is that I am talented, I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I will get what I want. Fuck her and fuck anyone in the business who thinks like her.

Dont let people like her ever ruin your dream. If you want it bad enough and work to get it you will. If they wont hire you, hire yourself! Be the person that makes the business. Its time that big women were also casting directors, directors, producers, who would hire anyone regardless of their looks.

If anyone of my friends ever feels as battered as I did today yet still confident they will win, then you will!